There’s a funny anecdote about how the Fat Sandwich, a New Brunswick created sandwich, was invented. What happened was a drunken person couldn’t decide what he wanted on his sandwich, so he just put everything on it. So did the next guy. And the next guy. That’s what Swish is like- a concoction that mixes a sports bar with a trendy lounge. The Fat Sandwich works. Swish, not so much.
First of all, why anyone thinks that a lounge and a sports bar are good to combine is beyond me; that’s like the Chinese buffets that also serve Italian cuisine. The place features several flat-screen TVs, and a big projector soon to be a staple of the place. The thing about a sports bar is that SPORTS are supposed to be at the forefront of the place. Instead, Swish has decided to go for its “posh” atmosphere as its selling point. Instead of plenty of tables to encourage camaraderie during the games, there are several tables with couch-like booths. Who doesn’t want to feel like a VIP ordering $3.50 Coors Light Drafts while watching the Yankees show how great of a team they really are?
There is also a second room that seems absolutely pointless, except on the theme nights (i.e. 50’s and 60’s night). Most of the people hover around the insanely asinine-shaped bar that looks like the Nike symbol (which significantly cuts the number of patrons who could stand comfortably at the place by fifteen people). Not to mention the fact that the bar itself is located in the most awkward location in a shopping mall- below apartments and more towards the street than the shopping area (which has also lead to many problems with the local authorities and neighbors).
Swish does feature some attractive employees; there are several women who make you want to murder Alex Rodriguez just to have a chance to see them without the bar’s tank-top uniform on. The only real saving grace for me is that Swish does feature a jukebox. This may seem like a small issue, but you’d be surprised how even a simple thing like a jukebox can save a night- it insures that you’ll at least have something you like about the bar happen for three minutes for only one dollar (try finding that sort of deal with any prostitute).
Maybe this is all moot, though. Trying to sell me on a sports bar and lounge is like a record executive marketing the Jonas Brothers’ new CD at forty year olds. And believe me, that demographic is the exact one that LOVES Swish; because Swish is by far one of the most popular cougar bars in the area. I’ve been in there a handful of times to see women with their surgically-enhanced handfuls, and quickly realized that someone let open the cougar cage.
A drunken person can come up with some really great ideas. Polly-O string cheese dipped into barbeque sauce, grilled pickles, and a sandwich that features fries, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and honey mustard sauce. Unfortunately, Swish, a sports bar and lounge, isn’t one of them.
Experience it for yourself @ 601 Riverside Ave in Lyndhurst. Open daily from 11am-2am and online at swishnj.com
